My husband and I will be celebrating our 19th wedding anniversary this year! I honestly don’t know where the time has gone. I was asked recently the secret to our happy relationship.
I will be the first to admit that our relationship isn’t perfect, but nobody’s is! Right? But we are happily married. I have been thinking about it ever since basically analyzing our relationship. I think the biggest things that stand out, are that we RESPECT each other and we have a strong CONNECTION.
Here are 100 questions that you can ask your spouse as an exercise to help you feel more connected, and this is just in time for Valentine’s Day-the most romantic time of the year!
You will often hear that ‘communication’ is the most important thing in a relationship. And while I think communication is important, I don’t think it’s the most important thing. I think that connection is more important.
Connection is that feeling of being on the same team, of understanding each other, and an inexplicable warm happy feeling of being in love and together.
The Oxford Dictionary’s definition of a relationship is ‘the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected.’
So basically this is saying, with no connection, there is no relationship; one defines the other. It would also make sense then that being disconnected from our partners can bring up some really painful, scary, insecure and lonely feelings for us.
Now this is where communication comes in. When you feel connected and united in your relationship, as if by magic everything, including your communication will begin to flow much more easily and effortlessly. It’s ironic that communicating from a connected place, will build on your connection, and the connection will build on your communication.
In truth, the two things are closely intertwined – you can’t put all your energies into one and ignore the other.
How Can You Feel More Connected?
There have been so many times during our relationship when we definitely didn’t feel very connected. When our kids were little, we were just trying to stay afloat. We were like two passing ships in the night. It was a stressful time. I worked a lot, he worked a lot. And even now with kid’s activities, work, and travel schedules that are so demanding, it definitely takes a lot of effort.
Over the years I had clients tell me that it’s so easy to grow apart from your spouse during those busy times. And honestly, I can see how that happens to a lot of people. Maybe being conscious of that helped us? Not sure. But I do know that working on your relationship and connection is fun. All you need to do is enjoy some time together again, because when we are feeling loved and supported, you will naturally want to work on your communication as a result and it will all feel much more connected!
Before You Get Started
The last few years we have been staying in on New Year’s Eve, and this year I suggested that we ask each other a list of questions. I think that there’s always room for improvement and as we get older, I wanted to make sure we created some goals together. And at the same time I wanted to make sure that we are on the same page.
When my husband agreed to do this exercise I think he was a bit nervous because he didn’t want to upset me and of course I didn’t want to upset him either. I think it’s important to have a mutual agreement that you’ll both be open and honest. It doesn’t have to be all serious, have some fun with it!
Opening yourself up to your partner and allowing them into the most vulnerable parts of you can be a scary feeling. However, Brene Brown says, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.”
I think it’s crucial that you both agree that neither of you will get defensive. You will talk about things you don’t like about each other but don’t view what the other says too personal. You are both adults 🙂
During this exercise, give each other 100% of your attention. Make it a date WITHOUT the kids. Put down the phones and any other distractions. Sit down with your sweetie, have a glass of wine or coffee-and have fun strengthening your relationship with conversation and laughter.
Questions to Ask Your Spouse
The questions below are not only meant to spark conversation but also to get to know your partner and connect with him or her on a heart-to-heart level. Yes, some of the questions are meant to strengthen your relationship and help you learn about each others preferences. But some of them are just FUN.
Feel free to only pick out your faves or do half now and half later. There’s no wrong way to do it!
- What made you fall in love with me?
- At what moment did you know you would marry me?
- What is your favorite date we’ve had? Why?
- What is one thing or activity that makes you feel alive?
- What’s your favorite memory of us?
- Is there something you miss that we used to do?
- Is there a memory or secret that I don’t know about?
- What is the most valuable lesson you learned about your past relationship or our relationship?
- In what ways have I changed compared to when we started dating?
- What is one thing that didn’t work out in the past but you’re so glad it didn’t?
- What do you like about our life together?
- What is your favorite part of our relationship?
- The one thing that I couldn’t have done without you was…
- I was proud of you when…
- The one thing that made me laugh that you did was…
- If you could live one day over and over again for the rest of your life, which day would it be?
- If you could pick any job in the world to do, what would it be (if $ wasn’t a factor)?
- What did you want to be when you were a child?
- What is one thing that you wish you could change about yourself?
- What is your most embarrassing moment?
- What is your biggest regret?
- What is one present that I’ve given you that you secretly hated?
- What is the best gift you’ve ever received?
- What is your happiest childhood memory?
- What is your favorite tradition from your childhood?
- What is your biggest fear in life?
- Describe yourself in three words…
- Describe me in three words…
- What is your biggest secret?
- What is the strangest thing you’ve done?
- What is one thing that you wish you knew how to do?
- Of all of the restaurants that we’ve been to together, which is your favorite?
- What is the one thing that you wish that I would do differently as a parent to our children?
- What is one thing you learned this week?
- How can I be a better partner to you this week?
- What food have you been enjoying lately?
- What topic can you get lost in for hours?
- What is one thing we can work on to be better partners?
- What is the nicest thing that you’ve done for someone?
- What is your definition of cheating?
- Is there anything about our relationship that makes you feel insecure?
- When was the last time you felt loved?
- What makes you feel appreciated?
- What other ways can I better show you my appreciation?
- What has been your greatest accomplishment this year?
- Who inspires you?
- What is one thing you’d like to learn how to do?
- What was your favorite subject in high school?
- What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?
- What is one thing you wish I would compliment you more on?
- What is one word that describes our relationship?
- What can I do to make you feel more confident about us and our future?
- How can I support you better?
- When do you feel closest to me?
- What spontaneous things have you done this week?
- What spontaneous things should we do?
- What adventure would you like to go in in the next few months?
- What traditions would you like to start this year?
- What values are important to you?
- What mutual goal would you love us to accomplish this year?
- What mutual goal would you love us to accomplish within the next 5 years?
- What do you envision our life looking like in 5 years?
- What are you hopes and dreams for the kids and us?
- If you could live anywhere, where would that be?
- If money wasn’t a factor, what would you buy?
- If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?
- What is your dream car?
- If you were granted 3 wishes, what would you wish for?
- What is the #1 thing on your bucket list?
- How would you like to spend your spare time?
- What do you wish we could do more of?
- Who do you miss the most that’s no longer in your life?
- Is there something that I do that annoys you?
- What is the one thing that you wish I did for you but I don’t?
- What is your biggest strength in our relationship?
- What is your biggest weakness in our relationship?
- How can we add more value to our quality time together?
- How do you think we can handle our disagreements differently?
- When was the last time you felt taken care of?
- In what ways do you feel we work well together?
- In what ways do you feel satisfied in our relationship?
- What do you appreciate about me?
- When was the last time you felt like I didn’t appreciate you?
- What is one thing that you’d change about me?
- What has you overwhelmed recently?
- Is there something recently that you need to forgive me for?
- Are there areas in our life that need to be improved?
- What has made you laugh or brought you joy this week?
- What has made you cry or upset recently?
- What physical feature are you most self conscious about?
- My sexiest feature is?
- My sexiest outfit?
- What do I do that turns you on the most?
- What can I do to turn you on more?
- One thing you’d like to try in the bedroom that we haven’t?
- What is your favorite way to show your love to me?
- What is the one thing that you’d change about our sex life?
- What are you looking forward to this week?
- How are we better together?
Whew! That was a lot, I know…but remember, pick and choose and see where the conversation goes. These question can start some great conversations on any date night!!
Keep me posted and let me know if you and your partner decide to do it…